It's hard to believe that there was a time when I was utterly unsuccessful at being German. I often wondered in those step-cleaning, bureaucracy battling, oh-my-god-it's-raining-AGAIN?- moments if I would ever have the chance to write a blog post where I could say "Ahh, finally. Germany--I get it! I LOVE it! Transformation complete!"
Well, it took a while I suppose, but here I am with 30 days to go, and I think I'm about as close as I'm going to get.
So what does that actually mean, being German?
Well, I'm glad you asked, and with the help of a few pictures, anecdotal stories and basic research I can show you how you TOO can become a German in 3 easy steps!
(As a caveat, this post represents only MY personal thoughts and experiences, and it is impossible to speak in generalities about things so serious as nationality... but it is also impossible to describe the interactions I've had with every single individual German I've ever met, so generality is all I can present. Please read accordingly.)
It only took me 9 months to conquer Steps I and II and with a little effort and maybe a lifetime of living here I could master Step III...but don't despair.... if you're willing to give up the heart of the American Dream, social mobility, blind optimism and the freedom to fail, Step III will be easy peasy!!
So dear American reader, please let me introduce you to the 3 step become-a-german program. Please feel to comment anytime if you have questions.
Step I: Be honest. (and punctual)
Are you tired of beating around the bush? Do you sometimes just want to have a respectful political discussion with no repercussions for honestly stating your opinions? Have you ever had to fight back the urge to tell a roommate/loved one that that dress does indeed accentuate the junk in her trunk, and orange is a horrible color on her?
Well then you are halfway there, my friend!
Step I of the become-German program begins by accepting the fact that politeness = respect here, and if you respect your friend you would never let them leave the house in something ugly--nor would you simply placate them by nodding along and mindlessly agreeing to their political statements as that would be disrespectful to the integrity of their arguments or beliefs.
You mean what you say and you say what you mean and that is that! When you ask "How are you?" you mean it! And you get an honest, meaningful answer in response. Usually of the negative flavor, but hey--we're just being honest here! And it is rainy a lot in Germany...
So throw your American idea of politeness = not hurting someone's feelings out the window! Put on your political hat, be forthright and honest, arrive on-time (punctuality is also very german and inherent in respecting people's time and a crucial part of Step I) and embrace your directness! Once you get the hang of that you are are ready to move on to Step II!
For more information on the application of Step I in the dating scene see
Peach and Coconut entry.
Step II: Love the Environment
Once you've mastered the art of being honest and direct you're ready to conquer Step II--recycling, turning the heat down, and being generally ultra-aware of the Environment.
Awareness occurs in phases. In the first phase you will realize that not everything needs to be wrapped in plastic several times, and that bottles really can be used again/recycled! At some point it will occur to you that an entire apartment building full of about 30 people can manage to only have this many trashcans that are emptied only once a week.
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| Our building's trashcans--emptied once a week. Sorted for paper, compost, and plastics |
I think my college house of 3 (10x less than this building) girls went through two of these trashcans a week (a mere 3x less than here). You know you've passed through
phase 1 when this idea blows your mind.
In Step II
phase 2 you realize that heat is not only really expensive, it is a total waste of energy!
Phase 2 is difficult because it not only requires utmost consciousness, but bear-like mental and physical strength to endure the cold. When 58 degrees seems balmy to you, you are ready for
phase 3.
Step II
phase 3 is of crucial importance, and mastery of this phase brings you to a level of elite Europeans. This is not for the light of American heart and I believe most people may drop out of the program here.
P3 is (drum roll please) Taking short showers and ACTUALLY employing the handheld shower head not for the sake of singing like Ferris Beuller, but for using it as your primary showering tool...WHICH MEANS in order to actually sufficiently lather you have to turn the water on and off in between lather sesh's. Saves water. Saves time. You're in and out in less than 5 minutes and you might as well have just saved the amazon river.
If you can do this--and not just because you CAN do it, but because your increasingly environmentally aware self is overrun with guilt that grows with every second you stand under the hot running water--
phase 4 is inevitable.
Uttering the phrase, or harboring the silent thought "well THAT can't be good for the environment" means you are fully in german metamorphosis mode and well on your way to passing through
phase 4.
If you are able to say this thought in direct and honest fashion (thereby incorporating Step I into the metamorphosis) you have finished building your cocoon, and it is time to move on to Step III. Man, you are moving fast!
Step III: Covet thy Security
So here is the tricky part about Step III, and it is the MOST critical element in becoming a german. It requires strength, skill, and almost absolute deviation from traditional American Values.
If you've made it to this point at Step III you have successfully made your cocoon and are ready to transform into a beautiful German butterfly, but instead of breaking out of the cocoon you have made, as a german your job is to stay IN your cocoon, and make sure your cocoon is so tight and stable that it will never break.
If you still think of a credit card as "security" then you are still an American, because Germans are all about actual security--the money under the mattress kind of security--and the thought of paying for something with money that you do not presently have is absolutely the OPPOSITE of security. It is just irresponsible.
This obsession with security is something that has several layers of implications and several layers of reasons for its existence. To understand this concept is to understand German history, and to explain this concept would be almost as long and complicated as the history itself. Don't worry--I'll spare you.
So for now I will leave you with these facts and tell you that I have not come so far as to master Step III and I fear my first 23 years of life as an American may have ruined many of my chances at fully becoming a German in this sense.
So the facts:
In Germany one must be educated for almost anything they want to undertake professionally. Everything worth doing in life requires an education and a certificate. For that, education is free and excellent, but required nonetheless.
Germans start college/university asking themselves "what do I want to do?" and then they study it. Americans go to college and then ask themselves once they've graduated.. well now what!?
So with that in mind, when a German invests 5 years into education that leads directly and solely to a certain profession, they tend to stay there. Lest they have to educated/certify themselves again for another profession.
With this "one career" mentality also comes the fact that Germans can only be fired only given a valid reason and only with several months notice. And most state employees are not allowed to be fired at all! And if someone IS (heaven forbid) fired, the state provides generous benefits for 26 months and sustainable support for the rest of your life after that.
All of this both illustrates the fact that germans tend to stay in one career, for their life, and are willing to give up tax money to ensure that they have this support should something happen (and let's not even get started on what Americans think about taxes). This also somewhat explains why they stay in their respective towns forever... because they stay in their jobs forever...so mobility is far less widespread than in the US.
To go deeper into this security issue means I would have to start digging into economics, history, and much more serious stuff, and let's just say--in America convenience is king. To embrace Step II of the become-german program is already to let go of the convenience of throwing everything away and living in central air houses with rain showers. But to fully embrace German culture, you have to give up convenience entirely and live for security.
I haven't gotten there yet, but who knows...there is still a month left!
Until then... Good luck with the program! See you soon!
xo,
Mere
